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| It's been a year and a little more, and I feel that my mental growth and self-discovery have reached a checkpoint.
I've been thinking to restart (or resume, depending on how you want to look at it) on writing for awhile now; looks like now I finally did it.
So many things happened in the past year, and I have gained so much out of it, that I think a small regret would have to be not documenting the experiences there and then; the loss, the freshness of the details in memory.
In the past year, I have: been through an Outward Bound School camp; failed to secure a sponsorship for a student exchange programme; picked up jogging; failed to secure a placement for an overseas internship programme but heeded my guts for a local one; hardened my heart's wish in career through the six-month internship; auditioned for jobs and passed and failed; starred in a non-profit musical; met some celebrities and people that could be my future employers; passed a Grade 5 cello exam with a distinction; learnt to play a first-person shooter game; played a few shows on the cello with bands; took a couple of odd jobs that paid differently; conquered taking buses and walking to places; and lost a father.
There are so many lessons to share, so many experiences worth telling, that I don't even know where to start. But I have a feeling that there will be reflections on the past year's journey while I travel further on the road that I can't even envision now.
This suddenly feels like an award-show speech now. But anyways, let's see how many memories from last year will pump my head hard enough for me to have to pour them out in words.
Happy New Year. | | |
| Today shall refer to yesterday, as it is, as usual, past 12 midnight already.
Today was definitely a liberating day, what with getting done with TOEFL and fulfilling taste-bud nostalgia. TOEFL was not something very big to worry over--for usual people, at all--as it is just an English test. But that's the thing, it is still a test, however simple or familiar the subject may be, and nowadays, I easily panic over tests. Therefore, it was something for me to fuss over, to the extent where I actually looked around for sample and practice tests to do; I was preparing for it almost like I was preparing for my final exams--especially the night before the test. I was working on last-minute review until I only had three hours to sleep.
Perhaps the motivation to extensively prepare for it sprang from the fact that I had the thought to take it back in my post-secondary school days. Maybe subconsciously, it was at the back of my mind for so long that I actually want to try my best for it. Besides, it is pretty expensive, as the fee is calculated in USD. I certainly do not want to take it again unless necessary in another two years (meaning, the test's effective period is over), not just because of the price, but also because, for me, it was a little grueling to prepare for (as with any other tests); and I want to know that my level of English is good enough that I pass it in only one try.
Whatever the case is, TOEFL was not life-and-death, and I used the trip for it to hunt for a specific food. Well, I only had the intention actually; I did not think it would be carried out.
I shall just briefly skim over the background for it. I actually took my TOEFL in Penang, a good 5-hour drive from home, instead of KL, where an hour of public transport would do. It couldn't be helped because the test centers in KL were all full when I registered for the test, and the next best thing I could get was Penang. I thought it as a chance to visit the familiar island with my family anyway.
When the test neared, I had a thought to search for a childhood food when I travelled up to Penang, where I lived before the family moved to Klang when I was still a kid. But I did not know the location or any names; all I remember is the shop's dilapidated facade, how the noodles were served, and most strongly, the heavenly taste. The only source of information and transport is my parents.
So I told them about the thought, and luckily they knew what I was talking about. We went on the hunt directly after my TOEFL, before we head back to KL areas. We were at Butterworth, where we used to live, and it was all up to my dad because I seriously had no clues about what to do to find it. I only knew what I was looking for.
We almost gave up and settled for some random Penang mainland food. But my dad told my mom to go ask around at a food court to see if anyone knew anything, and my mom bore potential embarrassment asking for a place whose name she was unsure if she even remembered correctly. Thank goodness for her bravery, because it turned out, the shop was just around the block.
It was serious surprise to me when we got there. It did not look at all like what I saw as a kid. I know my dad told me they moved, but I was not expecting--none of us were, actually--a brand-name franchise! Gosh, it looks so modern, so organised and systematic, and completely unlike a noodle shop that sold the best kuey tiao soup ever when I was a kid.
Of course it was the same old kuey tiao soup I ordered. We all ordered that, in fact. I had my doubts about the taste initially, but omg, despite the shop front, discounting the cutleries and bowl design, everything was exactly the same. The noodles, the soup, and the minced meat tasted exactly the same. I had to immediately text my older brother about it, for this is one memory that the both of us, but not the younger siblings, shared. Nostalgia never felt so good.
When I was soaking in all the chemical and mental goodness, I wondered about one thing: there were many workers there, shop front and kitchen, but did any of them know, or appreciate, how special it was/is? I don't think so. The shop moved there for 13 years already (we found out talking to the heir of the shop), and over these years, I think these workers just came and went; they don't know the story behind the shop, and all the people that came with it, or even the original owner who's still alive and seeing the great success that his sons are giving the business. Thinking 17 years back, I have got to be one of the youngest customers of the shop. 17 years later, I am still enjoying the same thing.
It is such a miracle that a family business could be passed down and improved like that, and still maintain the exact same taste for over 17 years. Talk about quality control. My mom actually asked for a business card, telling the heir that she's interested in starting a franchise back in Klang, and they had a little talk about how best to keep the transported ingredients fresh in far franchises, if the Klang franchise is going to come true at all. Well, I don't know how my mom's spurt of idea would work out, but I do know I will be back for more everytime I go to Penang.
I really hope they continue doing well, and open up franchises all over Malaysia--if anything, just so that I can enjoy this taste-bud nostalgia wherever I am in the country. Then I'll be able to tell my friends, "I have had this since I was 3 years old!" And when I'm, say, 80, I will turn from one of the youngest customers to one of the oldest. Cool beans.
This is exaggerated much, but today, I got everything I wanted; nothing else matters for the day. | | |
| I refuse to say that I abandoned my blog.
Because I did not. It's a blend of circumstances, and an active university life, that disallowed me from actively writing. I am always writing in my head, and there were once or twice when I thought of putting down the words in my head. But, again, circumstances and the lack of time disallowed translation into action the thought of translating my thoughts into words. I hope that was not confusing.
But really, when I say I did not have the time, I really did not have the time. Okay, so maybe not 100% true, but amidst all the university busyness, having half an hour to spare doesn't count. Okay, having an hour or two doesn't count either. I can't write in half hours; and when I had more free time, I'd rather replenish on sleep. Thus the impression of my blog abandoned.
But that impression is not true. Well, this is my blog; if I say I did not abandon it, that has to be the case, right?
Regardless of the truth of that, I am inspired, truly. Owl City is really a talented person--I thought that when I heard his songs. That point was reinforced when I read his blog. He is really an artist, not just some self-made musician who got lucky. Reading his blog made me realise that you can really write about anything you want and still have it be interesting. It's not what you write; it's how you write it.
And the ways to do that? Well, there are many, and I am pretty sure some of them has a name, but I don't know any of them. The names, I mean; and I also cannot explain them to you. I only know how to implement the techniques. Some of them are subtle, some obvious--I think insiders of the writing field could identify one when they see one. And I think I can too. Well, at least I caught the ones in Owl City's blog.
The point is, I am inspired, and I think I have learnt that I can write whatever I want, whenever a point or memory hits me--given I have the writing tool or device. I'll need to brush up on this 'new found skill' to get it to work every time I want it to.
So, this blog is not abandoned, and I hope that I can update it often in this holiday, with thoughts or reminiscence of past events and what no--amidst planning for a potential exchange trip to the U.S., and getting myself inducted into a local musical group or something.
Oh btw, I wrote this in half an hour, if you don't count in the power-down at Burger King, followed by an hour's walk halfway to home and getting picked up by my brother at the second-half way to home. Tonight became awesome because of the impromptu 'stroll' to home. More on that later. | | |
| [I am watching a black-and-white video of her playing the piece. It's amazing.] "When you see a crotchet (cockroach), you must quaver (quiver)!" "How many minims (minutes) more to arriving our destination?" "I am going to semibreve (brief) you all on some important matters." I am two weeks back from my performance in KL now, and I finally found time to write. After the KL show, it was the orchestra's recruitment night, and I had to plan it out, as well as learning up songs on a new instrument, which is the pipa, because the section lacks people and we want to attract more people to fill it up. So as of now, I have to run between the cello and the pipa. After the recruitment night, it was music theory class for the newbies as well as instrument selection, which occupied another weekend of mine. This week it shall be practical classes, and the instrument principals shall take care of that. But I have to say, despite the hecticness, I have fun conducting (no pun intended) these musical activities. I have no idea what I would do in this university if I did not have music. The KL show was a height of musical fun for me, and being dropped back down to Earth instantly, I took two weeks time to adjust myself to the normalcy of going to classes and doing homework. The show really made me feel like pursuing music, because walking around in the professional, world-class music hall, I was in a way having the time of my life. For the week, I was thinking, oh how it would feel like if I worked there as a professional musician. I do not know if this dream is too late yet, but whether or not professional, I don't think I will ever give up on music. However, all this music stuff in KL, from preparing for it until the real show, has taken up a big portion of my luck. For the two weeks that I adjusted myself back to universty life, I also let my luck recuperate itself. I expected something to collapse after the show, just like after any busy periods that drain me dry. I thought it would be the usual physical collapse, but I slowly realised that it is my luck that was taking a toll as the show ended. I believe in balance, especially when you do something out of your field. When you do things that is within your field, it is already balanced, because, well, that is your field. But if it's like a university student of the ICT field, but pursuing musical activities that is so big in scale, something would have to be given back. There were some rough roads along the way, but I think overall, the KL show was quite a smooth ride, from preparation to execution. A lot of things could have gone wrong, but many things went our way--and I don't think they were all coincidences. We must have unconsciously taken some form of energy from the universe to support all this, and of course, we must give back afterwards. Some of the good things that we got include having our costumes paid-for, getting a budget for our strings and instrument accessories, getting a big portion of the stage, which was shared by other performers, getting a good resting area at the music hall, and on a personal level, getting to perform all the pieces. I even unexpectedly became one of the emcees, which gave me a chance to show myself more than just a music player. For all these good stuff that could have been difficult to achieve, I involuntarily gave back some things. My ATM card is broken. This actually happened in KL itself. When I went to withdraw, the card was just suddenly rejected by all the ATM machines, and when I checked, it is spoilt. That was completely out-of-the-blue. It could have been fixed in KL itself; I could have just gotten a new card there and then--but because I did not have my bank book with me, and my branch somehow could not be contacted, I had to go back again. And I never got the chance because I had to go back to school. And in school, the bank counters have been closed for a long time. I have to go out to get it fixed, and I did not have the time or transport. Up until now, I have not gotten a new card. This must be pay-back to the universe. My clip tuner is missing. I realised this when I got back to school. I usually have it clipped on my cello, but it was passed around amongst the cellists in KL, because not everyone had a tuner. Somehow, it was just never passed back. I did not check or ask because I was held up with other managerial things, and I trusted that my fellow cellists knew how to take care of our own things. But back in school, I unzipped all the cellos to check, and the tuner is not clipped on any of them. That just means that it got left behind in KL. I definitely feel this one, because that tuner was not cheap. Well, second item returned as pay-back. My cello is broken. I just put it on the floor without keeping the spike during one of the practices for the recruitment night. This is normal, because I will pick it back up again to play in awhile. But, a person standing beside the cello turned around and wanted to move forward. He did not notice the spike, and his leg lightly met with it. The cello got turned face-down to the floor. When it was flipped back up again, the bridge has snapped in half. The cello was just brought away to be fixed last Sunday. I have to say, this is the third and biggest item to be paid back. I missed a quiz. I actually studied until late for the quiz the night before, because I reckoned I had to catch up on the subject after being missing from school for a week. The next day, I was about 15 minutes late to class (it was a lab, actually), and when I entered, the quiz was just over--the tutors were collecting back the papers. Bummer. Thank goodness these quizzes will be weekly, and only the best five will be taken into the coursework marks. It's pay-back again. I lost control over my groups for projects. Some groupings happened during the one week that I was away, so I was just fit into any group that wanted me, or group that lacked a member. I'd usually pick out the people that I can work with (who wouldn't?), but obviously, not this time. Yes, again, it's pay-back time. The performance in KL was a high; the two weeks I took to adjust myself were definitely a low to balance things back. But, I knew to stay positive, because I know my luck is recharging back. The broken ATM card tells me to watch my expenses; the tuner teaches me to watch my belongings closer; the cello bridge was bent, and had to be replaced soon anyway. I lost heart in my academics initially when I am back in school, but the quiz totally slapped me awake, and snapped me out of my undirectional daydreams. And I also relearnt the fresh feelings of working with new people. I think my luck is reaching a green-light level now. Usually I'd give up halfway, but I managed to apply for a student exchange program and have my department head highly recommending me. I also learning up a new music piece that I previously couldn't manage. I am sure there are more to the list, but I shall not list the less significant ones. My luck is like chakra, it gets used up and it charges back. I have a feeling this recharge will last me long, because my 'capacity' has increased after enduring through the effects of too much music. | | |
| Today was the first day of the new semester, and everyone was going through the usual hassle of picking subjects and choosing classes. This triggered a thought in me. Added with recent events that triggered similar thoughts, I decided to blog about it.
Today, I realised that there still exist people who base the busyness of their schedule on the total amount of credit hours the subjects carry. They think '20 credit hours' is heavy, without realising that it might be just six to seven subjects. The worse thing is, they think six to seven subjects are heavy for a semester, without looking into the nature of the subjects. Even worse, they think a subject with 'a lot' of homework is a heavy subject. They do not think that having homework for a subject is the most normal thing to happen, and having little homework is a lucky bonus.
I know there are people who drop subjects or decide not to take classes even before they enter the first class. They just go straight to thinking, 'No, I cannot handle this.' I think these people do not try. They do not realise that it is their responsibility as students to work their hardest to get the grades they want.
In the past couple of weeks, I have been training for a concert. The involved members of the orchestra are even brought to secondary schools to have intensive training on weekends. I am lucky to get to perform all songs. I do not know if that is because of my improving skills, or due to the fact that I chose to stay for training over a trip for which I paid for about 100 bucks. But I am indubitably grateful for it. Unfortunately, that is not the case for everyone. Some of them only get to play two to three out of the six songs that we will be performing.
They complain and are demotivated to train as hard as they did, if they were practising hard at all in the first place. They think they already have what it takes to take on all six pieces but they are not acknowledged, when that is clearly not the case. I think these people do not try hard enough. I play until my calluses peel, twice, and I can physically feel that I am improving by the day; they are still working on basic pitching and tempo.
Aside from practising, I am also a little involved in the administrative processes in preparing for the concert. I can firmly say I am working with a great team, but over the weeks, I can see people wearing out. At first, it takes a nap or a day's break to recharge them into shape. But slowly, the mood dips get harder to salvage. And then physical health starts to get affected. They hang on for a few more days, and then they collapse, mentally and physically.
They fall sick, and they lash out to destress. Sickness can be nursed back to health; but the lashed out cannot be taken back. Others might not realise it, but I can feel it when someone changes tone not out of business, but out of burden. I think these people stop trying after awhile. They do not realise that they asked for the full pressure that comes along when they say yes to a responsibility. They allow their meters to be broken instead of lengthening their limits.
Working yourself out is what I am talking about here. Ordinary people are ordinary because: one, they don't try; two, they don't try hard enough; and three, they stop trying after awhile.
Some prefers to take it easy, and don't try at all; and then they complain they own nothing. Some others actually work, but they take great care not to push their limits; and then they wonder how come others have more than them. The rest are not afraid of pushing boundaries, but they let trying wear them out; and then they shoot for company to their misery.
I am not trying to brag, but given the four-flat that I got, I think I am in the right position to say that you can really achieve what you want if you try, try your hardest, and don't stop trying. Never let working hard wear you out; always think that you can do more than what you are already doing.
No, I'm not perfect. Sure, I have times where I tire of pushing myself too, but instead of complaining incessively or downright giving up, I always try (there I go trying again) to turn demotivation into inspiration, and recharge myself via that.
The goal that you are reaching for always seems bigger than it is. But once you hit it, it becomes beans. I thought striving for a four-flat was impossible or bloody difficult too, but now I know it is attainable. But will I do it again? I myself isn't sure about that. I feel like I should move onto chasing bigger dreams, such as a careerline that is not widely supported.
I hope I have the courage to keep working towards my ideal career, which is entirely out of my field of study. You should keep pushing too.
Keep on tryin'; don't stop believin'. | | |
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